Well, I understand that B posts arent the actual exciting ones, nevertheless they're very important for me. I guess if I don't have the luck of my life you won't be able to read any A posts the next time because I have easter holidays. First time in my life I hate holidays. However, I still have a rest of hope that I'll randomly meet him. That would be so great, and unfortunately too great for my standards.
Let's get back to topic, I have a few options. I already have some kind of plan on how to get in touch with him.
1. make him notice I actually exist [x]
2. smile at him [x]
3. get a smile back []
4. say hello []
5. get a hello back []
6. say hello to each other on a regular basis []
7. see whatever is going to happen next []
the seventh one could aswell be 'start a conversation with him' or 'ask him whether he would want to drink a coffee', but; let's face the truth: that's totally off my capabilities. Actually I should just try to, I mean the worst case scenario is a 'No'. Of course, I'd feel totally destroyed and this would be so awkward and embarassing. I just shouldn't care about this, but either way it would just ruin my self esteem. I guess firstly I'll just see what's happening and if he won't make the next step I'll force myself to. Well, who's guaranteeing me that step 3 to 6 work?
xoxo
Sonntag, 13. April 2014
Samstag, 12. April 2014
#abouttheblog
I'll devide this blog in two parts; A and B. A posts are all about my experiences, B is just theory. Plans I have, things like that. Every section is aswell devided in 'he' and 'self esteem' because those are the two issues I'm currently working on. If I didn't come to say it yet; have fun on my blog.
xoxo
evolve with me
Hey, my biggest question at the moment is:
Can a nobody actually become somebody?
Due to that question I firstly have to tell you anything about myself. Get ready for a big text.
I'm fifteen years old, therefore I might not be the most mature, nevertheless, I don't behave like a child and that's why I don't feel as a child. And why don't I? In my opinion, I'm able to think in an abstract way no child does. In that case I would rate my mind state as 'between teen and adult'. (actually 'adult' doesn't say anything about your thinking and mentality, but you know what I wanted to express.) Shouldn't sound as complacent as it does, but this blog is also about building self confidence and that's how I'm starting up: Talking good about myself and not trying to regret this. However, let's move on with my biography.
As you'd know, if you would had calculated back, I'm born in the end of the 90's, and as I grew up I soon came in contact with those electronic things. When I was around 13/14 I almost isolated myself from real life, because I was steady on tumblr or facebook. Though I've never been the bullied kid or the friendless kid. I'm blessed with an amazing wonderful best friend since kindergarden and I'm so happy I don't have to miss her. Around the age of 12 I began struggling with myself, I hated myself so much, I didn't even know the source of this loathing. I went through the usual self-hate things and I don't even want to extend this. You'll have to draw your own conclusions.
Even more interesting (sounds too ironic) is my current mental state; to be honest I think I'm doing well.
I started with stopping to wear makeup. Firstly it began because my self esteem was so damn low I didn't even cared about myself, well I've generelly been so "damn low" I couldn't even force myself to the tiniest things: Wearing makeup, making breakfast, going by bike. Everything seemed to be too much effort. Quite ironically, because just this was the start of a long way to confidence. (And I still didn't reach the goal.) Luckily I've never been the acne one (sorry if you are), so I got easily used to my no-makeup-face. Honestly, first of all I left out makeup foundation, followed by mascara and soon the only thing I did was contouring my face. One day I stopped doing all of those things, because it just didn't matter to me. I had to admit it's okay to not having beautiful high cheek bones or big glowing eyes. Next step I took was changing my posture, which was really important. As I stopped looking at the ground and started walking with my head up I automatically felt better about myself. Shoulders back, belly in, chest out, you know. Actually I still have my problems with looking other people in the eyes when I walk around, but as I already said I feel a lot better. Now back to the result of my waiver: I realized it doesn't make sense to draw another face on, when you have to accept your actual one at the and of the day. If you always wear makeup you should recognize that no compliment to your beautiful face would actually matter, because it's not your natural bare face. If you cover yourself with makeup you're not only lying to others but to yourself.
However, now that I didn't have make up anymore to feel more beautiful, I needed another way. And by the way, in the end I actually felt better or even more beautiful without mascara or foundation. Back to topic: I wanted to express myself in clothing. I don't want to say I'm the one who's swearing on individual clothes, sewing every dress by herself, no, I'm far away from that. I just stopped to wear my "standard" outifits like jeans, vans and hoodie. It just didn't fit my type. As I've been experimenting a bit I found out that I look quite cute in dresses or skirts and that light colours look good on me. In the past I used to wear a lot of dark colours like black or bordeaux, recently I started wearing light ones like beige. With this step I buried my dark attitude. I mean I would still call myself if it comes to my character a bit cruel, but even my meanness makes me a bit confident, because it just makes me see that however I treat people (obviously not talking about my friends), they like me. Let's just ignore how bitchy that sounds and let's move on. Well, what I wanted to say, I changed my style from basic and grunge to casual-elegant. It makes me look more mature and friendlier. I don't care about being fashionable and I never did, but it matters a lot to me that I like my outfit. Everything has to fit. It even makes me less confident if I wear ugly underwear, despite nobody is seeing it, quite good evidence that I don't dress nicely for others. If we were already talking about nobody seeing my underwear (worst transition ever) - I don't have a boyfriend and I never did. I don't want to claim nobody ever asked me out or confessed me his love, but never did the right people, never did the ones I was desperately loving. Exactly this point stole me a lot of confidence or just stopped me from ever getting confidence. I thought not having a boyfriend would have its reasons. Unfortunately blaming myself for not being loved wasn't the actual "down".
So, let's talk about that "down". Not so long ago, I was cold. Feelingless, just cold. I didn't love, didn't feel joy. And I can tell you, if you're not feeling joy or love, you don't want to live on. You lose the sense of life you found once, or you even forget having found it. I reached that point where I declared life as completely senseless, even as a torture. And I don't want to come up calling this "phase" depression. I dealt a lot with psychology and psychiatry (not because I supposed to have a mental issue, I've been always rating my suicidality as an opinion, it just interested me), read a lot of books, therefore I'm able to say I wasn't depressed to that time and I wasn't ever before. Well, what made me change my so called opinion? I fell in love. For me, liking someone has never been a taken-for-grantedness, therefore I always appreciated being in love or even obsessed with the thought of love. Lately I didn't fell inlove with the guy in my class or the one in my parallel. First time in my life it was somebody I didn't knew before. He's going to my school and he's two grades higher than me (I'm from germany and we don't seperate school in middle, high school and so on, therefore we have everybody from grade 5 to theoretic 12 (we actually name it different and more complicate) in one building. This is also a good point to apologize for potential spelling or gramatical mistakes; my native language is german - not english.). That's exactly the thing: because he's nobody anybody of my friends knows it's easier for me to treat my feelings honestly. When I liked somebody my friends knew I didn't want to tell them just because they knew that person. I always expected them to think of my in a strange way because they would know that. I guess my bad explanatation just makes you thinking strange about me. However, the fact I could possibly tell all my friends about my crush made me more open-minded, which felt great, as I'm the biggest introvert ever. I didn't actually tell anyone besides my best friend because they probably don't care, but I don't feel as if I had to hide my feelings. And when I started liking this guy I parallel stopped thinking in a selfcritical and especially in a life-critical way. I stopped spending all my time with thinking about how shitty and senseless life is, instead I could only think about him. (I hope this sounds more cute than obsessed.) I really like him and I almost see a chance of me getting in a relationship with him thence I watched a few of those "making the first step" and "becoming confident" videos. Honestly, I even smiled a few times at him before, well, he didn't smile back, but I'll get him to, pinky promise. However, what I actually wanted to say, those videos inspired me to start this blog. I want to give you my own advice, my fresh advice I'll just take frome my latest experiences, I want to write about how I try to make first steps and I also think it might be interesting to follow me on my way and to see if it actually ends in a relationship. Well, let's not use the word 'end', because it sounds so harsh and negative, 'result' fits the meaning better. Therefrom I wish you would follow me on my way to become a someone, on my way to get self esteem and in the best case follow me getting my first boyfriend and having a happier life. I promise, I'll write down every step I take. I'll mention every smile I receive from him and I'll analyze every facial expression of him. Just kidding, that would just make me sound like a psycho. My intention is just motivating and helping others who are dealing with the same or a similar situation.
xoxo (this xoxo-thing doesn't actually fit my personality, as I'm an introvert and really bad at showing feelings or even admitting having feelings in front of others, still my goal is changing myself in that way, even if it starts with 4 letters. And besides that, it has that american teen girl movie vibe.)
p.s. another promise: my next posts won't be so long.
Can a nobody actually become somebody?
Due to that question I firstly have to tell you anything about myself. Get ready for a big text.
I'm fifteen years old, therefore I might not be the most mature, nevertheless, I don't behave like a child and that's why I don't feel as a child. And why don't I? In my opinion, I'm able to think in an abstract way no child does. In that case I would rate my mind state as 'between teen and adult'. (actually 'adult' doesn't say anything about your thinking and mentality, but you know what I wanted to express.) Shouldn't sound as complacent as it does, but this blog is also about building self confidence and that's how I'm starting up: Talking good about myself and not trying to regret this. However, let's move on with my biography.
As you'd know, if you would had calculated back, I'm born in the end of the 90's, and as I grew up I soon came in contact with those electronic things. When I was around 13/14 I almost isolated myself from real life, because I was steady on tumblr or facebook. Though I've never been the bullied kid or the friendless kid. I'm blessed with an amazing wonderful best friend since kindergarden and I'm so happy I don't have to miss her. Around the age of 12 I began struggling with myself, I hated myself so much, I didn't even know the source of this loathing. I went through the usual self-hate things and I don't even want to extend this. You'll have to draw your own conclusions.
Even more interesting (sounds too ironic) is my current mental state; to be honest I think I'm doing well.
I started with stopping to wear makeup. Firstly it began because my self esteem was so damn low I didn't even cared about myself, well I've generelly been so "damn low" I couldn't even force myself to the tiniest things: Wearing makeup, making breakfast, going by bike. Everything seemed to be too much effort. Quite ironically, because just this was the start of a long way to confidence. (And I still didn't reach the goal.) Luckily I've never been the acne one (sorry if you are), so I got easily used to my no-makeup-face. Honestly, first of all I left out makeup foundation, followed by mascara and soon the only thing I did was contouring my face. One day I stopped doing all of those things, because it just didn't matter to me. I had to admit it's okay to not having beautiful high cheek bones or big glowing eyes. Next step I took was changing my posture, which was really important. As I stopped looking at the ground and started walking with my head up I automatically felt better about myself. Shoulders back, belly in, chest out, you know. Actually I still have my problems with looking other people in the eyes when I walk around, but as I already said I feel a lot better. Now back to the result of my waiver: I realized it doesn't make sense to draw another face on, when you have to accept your actual one at the and of the day. If you always wear makeup you should recognize that no compliment to your beautiful face would actually matter, because it's not your natural bare face. If you cover yourself with makeup you're not only lying to others but to yourself.
However, now that I didn't have make up anymore to feel more beautiful, I needed another way. And by the way, in the end I actually felt better or even more beautiful without mascara or foundation. Back to topic: I wanted to express myself in clothing. I don't want to say I'm the one who's swearing on individual clothes, sewing every dress by herself, no, I'm far away from that. I just stopped to wear my "standard" outifits like jeans, vans and hoodie. It just didn't fit my type. As I've been experimenting a bit I found out that I look quite cute in dresses or skirts and that light colours look good on me. In the past I used to wear a lot of dark colours like black or bordeaux, recently I started wearing light ones like beige. With this step I buried my dark attitude. I mean I would still call myself if it comes to my character a bit cruel, but even my meanness makes me a bit confident, because it just makes me see that however I treat people (obviously not talking about my friends), they like me. Let's just ignore how bitchy that sounds and let's move on. Well, what I wanted to say, I changed my style from basic and grunge to casual-elegant. It makes me look more mature and friendlier. I don't care about being fashionable and I never did, but it matters a lot to me that I like my outfit. Everything has to fit. It even makes me less confident if I wear ugly underwear, despite nobody is seeing it, quite good evidence that I don't dress nicely for others. If we were already talking about nobody seeing my underwear (worst transition ever) - I don't have a boyfriend and I never did. I don't want to claim nobody ever asked me out or confessed me his love, but never did the right people, never did the ones I was desperately loving. Exactly this point stole me a lot of confidence or just stopped me from ever getting confidence. I thought not having a boyfriend would have its reasons. Unfortunately blaming myself for not being loved wasn't the actual "down".
So, let's talk about that "down". Not so long ago, I was cold. Feelingless, just cold. I didn't love, didn't feel joy. And I can tell you, if you're not feeling joy or love, you don't want to live on. You lose the sense of life you found once, or you even forget having found it. I reached that point where I declared life as completely senseless, even as a torture. And I don't want to come up calling this "phase" depression. I dealt a lot with psychology and psychiatry (not because I supposed to have a mental issue, I've been always rating my suicidality as an opinion, it just interested me), read a lot of books, therefore I'm able to say I wasn't depressed to that time and I wasn't ever before. Well, what made me change my so called opinion? I fell in love. For me, liking someone has never been a taken-for-grantedness, therefore I always appreciated being in love or even obsessed with the thought of love. Lately I didn't fell inlove with the guy in my class or the one in my parallel. First time in my life it was somebody I didn't knew before. He's going to my school and he's two grades higher than me (I'm from germany and we don't seperate school in middle, high school and so on, therefore we have everybody from grade 5 to theoretic 12 (we actually name it different and more complicate) in one building. This is also a good point to apologize for potential spelling or gramatical mistakes; my native language is german - not english.). That's exactly the thing: because he's nobody anybody of my friends knows it's easier for me to treat my feelings honestly. When I liked somebody my friends knew I didn't want to tell them just because they knew that person. I always expected them to think of my in a strange way because they would know that. I guess my bad explanatation just makes you thinking strange about me. However, the fact I could possibly tell all my friends about my crush made me more open-minded, which felt great, as I'm the biggest introvert ever. I didn't actually tell anyone besides my best friend because they probably don't care, but I don't feel as if I had to hide my feelings. And when I started liking this guy I parallel stopped thinking in a selfcritical and especially in a life-critical way. I stopped spending all my time with thinking about how shitty and senseless life is, instead I could only think about him. (I hope this sounds more cute than obsessed.) I really like him and I almost see a chance of me getting in a relationship with him thence I watched a few of those "making the first step" and "becoming confident" videos. Honestly, I even smiled a few times at him before, well, he didn't smile back, but I'll get him to, pinky promise. However, what I actually wanted to say, those videos inspired me to start this blog. I want to give you my own advice, my fresh advice I'll just take frome my latest experiences, I want to write about how I try to make first steps and I also think it might be interesting to follow me on my way and to see if it actually ends in a relationship. Well, let's not use the word 'end', because it sounds so harsh and negative, 'result' fits the meaning better. Therefrom I wish you would follow me on my way to become a someone, on my way to get self esteem and in the best case follow me getting my first boyfriend and having a happier life. I promise, I'll write down every step I take. I'll mention every smile I receive from him and I'll analyze every facial expression of him. Just kidding, that would just make me sound like a psycho. My intention is just motivating and helping others who are dealing with the same or a similar situation.
xoxo (this xoxo-thing doesn't actually fit my personality, as I'm an introvert and really bad at showing feelings or even admitting having feelings in front of others, still my goal is changing myself in that way, even if it starts with 4 letters. And besides that, it has that american teen girl movie vibe.)
p.s. another promise: my next posts won't be so long.
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